The Blizzard of DQ
—by Nathan on April 29, 2013—
This story requires a story in itself. For some reason I can no longer remember, a friend of mine mentioned a month or two ago that a good name for a girl would be "Vodka" (homeschoolers, you understand). Why? I don't know, but that comment has spiraled into a series of jokes. One of these jokes has consisted of a story another friend of mine and I wrote with Facebook posts. The story is a Wizard of Oz parody about a girl named Vodka and her brother Danish (who was named after a dessert this second friend brought to school and therein is another story, but I will not go into that), and we had a heck of a lot of fun doing it. A few notes on the story. First, I have attempted to go through and edit this as much as possible. However, while grammatical errors may have been remedied, I have decided to stick with the block paragraphs my friend and I wrote the story in. Otherwise, with making changes to account for dialogue and such, it would be longer. Secondly, thanks to Megan for inadvertently creating a hilarious story idea and to Rob for starting this story and for being an awesome co-writer. I give due credit to both of you. Third, Rob and I switched off writing episodes. Each paragraph is an episode, starting with Rob and switching back and forth between us before ending with me. I hope all of you who read enjoy. Comments are always appreciated.
Once apun a time there were two kids, Vodka and Danish (called "Voddy" and "Dane"), who were unhappy working in their mother's bakery. It was not the baking that made them unhappy but their names that were getting them down. All the children in school made fun of them. And they were homeschooled so this was saying something. They wanted nothing more than to fly over the sunset, where skies are blue. One day, while they were dreaming about the blue skies outside, a hurricane came and swept them up off their feet with their little dog named Toetoe (a car accident removed 18 of his toes). The wind rushed all around until finally they came to a stop at a Duncan Doughnuts. All of the doughnut holes began to sing and dance for joy because the evil ginger-headed unicycler had been killed when Dane landed (Dane has an obesity problem).
The leader of the doughnuts, Duncan, was so elated at the death of the unicyclist that he gave Dane and Voddy the key to the city. However, the two declined, saying they just wanted to get home to their mother's bakery. The king, at hearing, was so alarmed (cause he's a doughnut, y'know) that he booted them out of his kingdom (called the Krispy Kreme Kingdom) onto the Yellow Spongecake Road (which used to be the Twinkie Road, but we all know what happened to Hostess). However, a kind Ho-Ho guard said the road would take them to the M&M-erald City, where the great Blizzard of DQ could send them back to the bakery. Then, an IceCreamSand-Witch popped up, demanding Voddy's magical purple shoes (which came out of nowhere, I suppose).
Voddy clapped her shoes together with an Irish dance move. The IceCreamSand-Witch ran for her life (wouldn't you if someone clapped magic shoes together). When nothing happened Voddy and Dane continued on the way down the Yellow Spongecake road. Shortly after they passed a spoon and a knife, they came to a fork in the road. "Which way do we go?" asked Dane. "I don't know," said Voddy. "Well, you could go this way, or you could go that way," said a corn-dog that was stuck in the ground. "Which way do you mean?" questioned Voddy questioningly (she had to ask because corn-dogs are notoriously bad at telling directions. Something to do with not having any hands.) "Well if I only had some hands I could tell you," said the corn-dog. "We are going to the Blizzard, the great Blizzard of Dq," said Dane. "He could help you. Come with us!" "Why, thanks," said the corn dog, "I believe I will." So off the three friends went bouncing along the Yellow Spungecake road, trying to avoid potholes (the people of Krispy Kreme Kingdom are terrible at keeping the roads frosted).
Along the way, the trio came along a pile of mush. Upon inspection, they found it to be...still a pile of mush. Rotten mush, at that. However, with a little bit of sculpting, they (meaning Voddy and Dane...not the handless Scarecorn) were able to shape the mush into the form of a man ('cause it seemed plausible). The mush introduced himself as the Rottin Foodsman, a Frankestein-like hybrid of various desserts created by a dessert madman. Seeing as how he had no purpose but to be eaten, the Foodsman ran for his life, only to be washed into mush by a rainstorm. "If only someone could make me completely solid!" the Foodsman shouted. "I get so sad sometimes I want to cry...but then I remember I'll wash away!" The trio told him the Blizzard would help him reach his dream, so he agreed to come along.
Voddy, Dane, Scarecorn, and Foodsman continued on their way. Slower than before because Voddy and Dane had to stop either to re-sculpt the Foodsman or pick up the Scarecorn (who fell over because he had to hop on one stick and had no arms). Voddy, Dane, Scarecorn, and Foodsman, at long last made it to the forest. "At last," said the Foodsman, "some shade. I will stop melting." THUD. "Pplleasre hllleppsres," said the Scarecorn who had just fallen over. Swooosh. "What was that?" echoed Voddy, Dane, Scarecorn, and Foodsman all at once. "Just the wind?" wondered Voddy. CRUNCH. "Then what was that?" asked Dane. "A tree falling in the forest?" said the Foodsman. CROOOOOOORGHCROOROROHHHHH. "Sbwhaters thattssss?" asked the Scarecorn still on his face. Suddenly out of the forest came a Lozenge. "Oh," said Vodka, "the poor thing has a sore throat!" Mr. Lozenge held out a piece of paper. Voddy, Dane, Scarecorn, and the Foodsman stepped closer to read it (on the note: "Dear person that I just met: how are you?") Voddy, Dane, Scarecorn, and Foodsman said they were fine then continued reading (on the note: "I have lost my voice and am in dire need of assistance seeing as it is not good for business. Can you help me?") Dane stepped forward and said, "Why don't you come with us to the M&M-erald city to meet the Blizzard? I am sure he can do something." And thus the foursome became a fivesome as Voddy, Dane, Foodsman, and Mr. Lozenge started towards the city. "Whhaiteerrsssss Ffoerrr mmeee," said the Scarecorn still muffled, still on his face.
The Scarecorn was put back on his stick, with Voddy deciding to help him along (she was happy to do it...and didn't wine at all!). The fivesome then proceeded through the forest, which Mr. Lozenge told them (via writing...using hands-or paws-of which the Scarecorn was exceedingly jealous of) used to be a Red Licorice Forest, but the IceCreamSandWitch had turned it into a Black Licorice Forest. "It's full of Lozenges, Pie-gers, and Gummy Bears!" he wrote. "Oh, my!" Dane cried out, feeling a sudden need to just dessert everyone. However, he remembered that they all needed his help, so he stayed. Fortunately, no harm befell the group, and they finally reached the end of the forest. Once again in the sunlight, the Foodsman feared he would begin to melt again, and so encouraged them all to proceed post haste. To make the trip more fun, they all decided to skip (which Scarecorn could not get the hang of...he started wondering if he needed legs as well as arms) and sing. "We're off to see the Blizzard!" they sang. "BLUHBLAGUHBLAGABLUHBAH!" crowed the Lozenge, growling in pain and deciding it would be better if he didn't sing. Down the path they went, the candy-coated M&M-erald City soon coming into view. The group grew excited. Their mission was almost complete! Or so they thought...
Finally out of the woods and into the sun and with their destination on the horizon the group of friends continued hopefully towards the M&M-erald City. Suddenly they were out of the Black Licorice woods and into a field of lolipoppies. The Scarecorn was at ease but the Foodsman was slightly out of his Food Group (he could be proud sometimes because he was made up of high end desserts). Suddenly every one of them started to giggle. Just a little at first but when one person starts to laugh it can be quite contagious. Things soon digressed into a laughing hysteria. Soon they were laughing so infectiously that they all fell down in the Lollipoppie Field. About a mile away over a hill there was a castle. Now I only call it a castle in the loosest sense of the word. It was more of a tower made of every store-bought cookie imaginable. In the second to top most room the evil IceCreamSandWich was gazing into her magic gumball. "HEHEHE!" she cackled, watching the equally cackling friends. "Send out the Twinkies!!!"
The Twinkies, in fact, were genetically mutated Twinkies that had ended up with frosting wings. The Twinkies flew from the Crooked Cookie Tower to the Lollipoppie Field, with one mission in mind: To kidnap the children, so the IceCreamSandWitch could have Voddy's shoes as well as sweet revenge on Dane. As the Twinkies sallied forth, the fivesome were helpless. Not only was everyone laughing, but prolonged exposure to the sun was causing the Foodsman to melt. Fortunately for our heroes, The I.C.S.W. (I'm tired of spelling her name) was not the only witch. There was the Good SandWitch as well. She cast a spell of magical powdered sugar which diluted the effects of the lolipoppies and allowed the fivesome to escape before the Winged Twinkies could arrive. The fivesome reached the city just in time, for the Foodman's condition was almost beyond repair and the Scarecorn had lost some corn skin while he rolled around in hysteria. Meanwhile, Mr. Lazonge's throat was in a terrible state after all the laughter, and both children were suffering from cramps. Allowed into the city, the fivesome were given star treatment and were nursed back to proper levels of health and sanity. Once recuperated, the five got together to finally see the Blizzard.
"WOW! Look at all the M&Ms!!!" exclaimed Dane. The friends walked through the streets the gravel Crunch-ing underfoot. As they continued, all the citizens (who did not see many travelers) showered them with Kisses. Then the palace came into view. And when I say palace I really mean skyscraper, and not just a skyscraper. The palace was made of one HUGE Hershey bar. "Someone must have had a large Payday!" said the Foodsman. "The place probably cost 100 Grand." On entering, all they saw was an elevator, and on entering this all they saw was one button. "THE BLIZZARD," it read. Voddy pushed the button. There, sitting on the counter, was the largest blizzard anyone has ever seen. He was 32 ounces at least. "Who speaks for you?" asked the giant ice-cream confection. Dane, Scarecorn, Foodsman, and Lozenge Skittled back (well Scarecorn hopped). Bravely, Voddy told the Blizzard their story and what each of the travelers wanted. "I can only grant your requests if you stop the evil ICSW," the Blizzard replied when she had finished. "She has stopped my ability to work magic. Now go do as I ordered." The dejected travelers left the magnificent building. The sky was dark. It was night. Voddy looked up at the Milkyway. "I have a plan," she said. She moved to stand beTwixt her friends. "A very tricky plan."
Voddy's "tricky plan" called for a full scale-on assault upon the walls of the Witch's Crooked Cookie Tower. They requested assistance from the Imperial Army, but the soldiers were afraid and thus waffled. Even their general, the great Michael CandyCaine, wouldn't accept. "Fudge," Voddy muttered. "And here I thought this would be a piece of cake." Seeing as how they were getting nowhere, Dane put forth his own plan, which he said was much butter than his sister's. It required the fivesome to simply
sneak into the Castle. "I can sugar-coat the simplicity of it," Voddy said, "but it will have to fon-do." "I knew you'd like it," Dane replied, giving her a twink. So they set out. "You plan on just ringing her doorbell?" the Scarecorn asked on the way. "Ding-Dong! Here's the Witch!" "Of course not," Dane said. "We find a secret passage, possibly within her Chocolate Milk Moat!" "We should've brought weapons," the Lozenge wrote. "Don't look at me," the Scarecorn said. "I'm all Butterfingers." (he found this incredibly amusing, though his lack of arms made the joke fall somewhat flat) As the fivesome grew nearer, they were unaware that the Witch watched them through her magic sourball (having broken the gumball in a fit of rage after her lollipoppies had failed). "Haha!" she cackled. "Mmm! The fools think they can crack my castle? Well, they'll find they've bitten off more than they can chew! Mmm!" she repeated, having said an "Mmm&Mmm." With a wicked laugh (for she truly was wicked), the Witch sent off her Winged Twinkies to capture the children. "Kill the others!" she commanded. "Put them in a pie-le!" (not only was she wicked, but her jokes were candycorny!) Thus, the Twinkies flew off, armed with Licorice Whips, ready to do their mistress's dark bidding.
Little did the friends know what they were to face next. The five unwary brothers (and sister) in arms (except for the Scarecorn, because. . . well you know why) marched forth with noble intent and battle lust in their eyes. Well, that might be exaggerating. "I think I might be sick," moaned Foodsman. "Woha," said Dane who, despite the current circumstances could not get his mind off eating (I did mention the obesity thing right?). "You're made of food. . . . so your throw up . . ." Luckily for his friends he was interrupted. Unluckily for his friends was what did the interrupting. Mutant Twinkies were everywhere. The friends put up a valiant effort, but there were simply too many of them. Also a new threat accompanied them. A death squad of 16 ounce soft drinks spiked with arsenic surrounded them. Voddy was grabbed by a Twinkie! "I will save you," said the Scarecorn hopping desperately. THUD. "Itrss therrer ththoughttttt thatsss c-c-countssts righgtt?" muttered the Scarecorn, now on his face, unable to get up (again, I think you know why). Suddenly, they knew no more. They awoke several minutes later. In a cage of candy bars. "I have you now!" snicker-d the IceCreamSandWitch. Voddy hung her head in despair. Then she saw the answer right beneath her nose. Actually the answer was right beneath her feet. IN FACT, the answers were on her feet.
"Oh my goodness!" Vodka squeaked at her realization. The magical purple shoes were still there on her feet. Not knowing what to expect, she clapped them together. All at once, the bars of the cage turned into noodles. With another clap, the Twinkies were transformed into carrots. "NO!" the Witch cried. "You are transforming my sugary servants into...into...vile vegetables! The one true evil in all the land!" Dane ripped apart the pasta bars ("Way to use your noodle," his sister commented), allowing Vodka to hangover the side. The foursome climbed down her to the floor (since the cage was suspended by a chewy chain of licorice). Well, the Scarecorn tried, but he forgot he didn't have any arms, and thus fell all the way to the floor. "Lettuce escape!" Dane cried in exuberance. "Can't beat that idea!" the Foodsman replied. The fivesome charged the door, but the Witch closed it with a wave of her wand. "You have defiled my castle with your healthy horrors!" she screamed in repulsion. "I shall squash you! I don't carrot all how long it takes! You cu-cumbersome meddlers are really in a pickle now! Though I hate saying this, I'll milk your pain for all it's worth!" "Something's really eating her," Scarecorn muttered. Mr. Lozenge nodded. He understood the Witch was feeling sore. The Witch approached, cackling, but then both Dane and Voddy had an idea (it's a twin thing). Remembering her last sentence, they ran over to a nearby fridge (the nerve! A cannibal Witch!) and pulled out a jug of...milk! "NO!" the Witch cried (again). "Stay away! I'm lactose intolerant!" "But...how is that possible?" the Scarecorn asked. "If I could, I would scratch my head in contemplation. You're ice cream! You're practically-!" SPLOSH! The twins had splashed the milk over the Witch. "NO!" the Witch screamed for a third and final time. Before their eyes, she began to melt. "Curse you!" she screeched. "Why the heck did I ever keep that jug? Darn you, stupid plot coincidences! I'm melting! I'm melting!" And so she did, becoming a little puddle of white before evaporating altogether. "Finally," the Foodsman murmured. "In the end," Dane said, "she was a real cow-ard."
The fast friends now went back to the M&M-earld City. When they got to the throne room, the great Blizzard was astonished. "WOW I did not expect you to succeed. . . hu? . ..o. . . well. . . I am not really magical, I just sent you to get rid of you 'cause I cannot help you." " WHAT," the friends exclaimed. Dane instantly started crying. Foodsman shriveled up in disappointment. Mr Lozenge tried to yell in anger, ". . . . . . . . . . .," and Scarecorn was hopping mad. "I was useless before I met these guys" said the Scarecorn. "All I did was attract ravens! Nevermore! I am not going back!" At this, he broke down. Through all of this Voddy had done nothing but looked at the Blizzard. Her accusatory eyes made the Blizzard's blood run cold. "But you are not useless now," said the great one. "Between you, Scarecorn, and your friend, Mr. Lozenge, you are worth four men." At this Scarecorn and Mr. Lozenge realized how much they had helped each other Scarecorn could talk and Lozenge had hands. Between them they were indeed, useful. "What about me?" asked the Foodsman, "I am still rotten." "Plastic wrap," said the Blizzard. "I swear by the stuff. Better than botox." The Blizzard looked back at Voddy. Those eyes. . . . "Well, no use prolonging this. I am not really a Blizzard." When he said this, the large ice-cream disappeared revealing an elderly human wearing a red shirt and black shorts. "I am just a fast food worker who was working his shift when a tornado hit my workplace. I landed here and killed the Wicked SandWitch of the North by Northwest (lots of witches in this place). The M&M-eralds made me their ruler. I just wanted some respect." (everybody yelled at him at his fast food job) Voddy, who had not spoken yet, came up and asked the aged fast food worker, "How do we get home?" A twinkle appeared in the man's eye. "Now, I do have a plan for that!"
The fake Blizzard (whose name was Joe. He worked at Starbucks, selling coffee...or cups of joe) led the fivesome out of the building, where they were Mugged (like the soda) by throngs of screaming fans. The soda-gers of the Imperial Army had pulled together a parade for the Heroes of DQ. The procession contained exotic animals (including unicandycorns and pie-gers), members of the bourgeoisie (including the Hambergermiester and the Pez-ident), and an assembly of fantastic creatures (including the Munchkins and the Sprites). The procession wove its way to the Town Square, where the Blizzard gave a speech. "I am leaving!" he cried. "You have all been wonderful, but I can't stay here anys'more! And I am taking the twins with me!" Behind him was a large cotton candy balloon. Joe got in but, before the twins could get aboard, a great wind lashed at the balloon and blew it away. "NO!" the twins shouted. "What will we Mountain Dew now?" moaned Dane. Suddenly, the Good SandWitch (the only Witch left, apparently) appeared. "Your shoes," she said. "Tap them together three times and say 'There are a heck of a lot better places than home.'" "Okay," Voddy said. She and Dane said farewell to their friends, hugging each. Holding her brother's hand, Voddy closed her eyes and tapped her shoes three times while repeating the words. The world spun. When the twins opened their eyes, there stood their mother's shop before them! Their mother ran out and smothered them (like, literally smothered them. She had done nothing but eat bonbons ever since the children had disappeared). "Mom," the twins said, "there are a heck of a lot better places than home...but we're glad to be back anyway!" "Good," their mom replied. "This whole experience has taught me the same thing. We're leaving, and Dane and I are going on Diets. I'm starting a new business somewhere. I was thinking of something with fashion...shoe fashion..."
So what happened to everyone? The children and their mother moved, but the story of the two children having survived a hurricane had already become national news. Their newfound fame made them forget about the pain from their names (especially since everybody called them by their nicknames), and they were capable of making friends within the homeschooled community and lived happy lives. In the land of DQ, similar cheer occurred. After the Blizzard left, Scarecorn and Lozenge took over the M&M-erald City, seeing as how they could work together as each other's vocal chords and appendages. The Foodsman started up a preservatives business. Joe started up his own restaurant, which he made certain was tornado-proof. And it has come to my attention that the dog mentioned at the beginning has slipped out of the story. What about him? Well, he stayed with the Munchkins and lived happily ever after. As did everyone else. Except the Witch. THE END.